Today was a tough day. One of those days that tests you in every way.
I woke up with a sore throat that continued all day along with a general malaise.
I recently began staying at home with both my kids on my off days. I have found incredible grace to do this and praying on the armor of God everyday has helped tremendously.
I reached a point of frustration today though. I realized that I hadn’t had time to open the mail in five days. I hadn’t had time to make a phone call, do our budget, or other administrative things necessary in our house.
In case you haven’t met me, I am that perfectionist mom. Everything has to be done right and done on time.
My daughter is no longer in school and my kids no longer have to go to a sitter each day now that my health has improved. That means less time to handle business that needs doing around the house. I was in a quandary this morning about how to handle this.
I decided I would let me kids sit on my bed while they watched a TV show on my laptop. I set everything up, with big fluffy pillows for them to lean against and asked them not to touch the computer.
I then began to use the time to make those phone calls I needed to make, open the mail, read my email, etc.
Then all of a sudden Bang!
I went into my bedroom to see my laptop on the floor and my daughter informing me that my two year-old son had managed to throw the computer on the floor. Fortunately it still worked just fine (I’m using it now), however part of a corner was cracked and the screen was separated a little bit from the cover.
I immediately shut the computer and ordered the kids to go play in my daughter’s room. I made it clear there would be no TV since my computer had gotten broken. My son went to time out for his part in the fiasco.
I could tell by his face that he knew he had done something wrong. I told him he could get out of time out and go play. He went to the other side of the house, then turned around and came back to give me an apologetic hug.
I continued making my phone calls; however I was interrupted by the sound of my kids screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. They were fighting about something. I got off my phone call and stormed back to where they were playing. I ordered each of them to go to their respective rooms. They both started crying. I went to my room on the other side of the house and broke down crying.
I cried and I cried out to God. These were not faith-filled words or praises. It was gut wrenching and honest about how hard I sometimes find life to be as a stay-at-home mom. I cried out to God about not being able to open the mail and about not being able to have a peaceful phone call.
I felt somewhat defeated the rest of the day and a little sad. Sad because I had once again failed to live up to my own expectations.
I was able to show myself a little mercy as it got later in the day and I realized that a number of factors were working against me. I was both sick and hormonal at the same time. Not to mention still learning how to juggle this thing of staying home with my kids.
As the day went by, I pondered how I could explain to my two year-old that I forgave him. He doesn’t understand what the word “forgive” means. I felt it was very important for him to know that even though I was mad about what happened, I forgave him and we were okay. I sat him down and told him I wanted to talk to him about the computer. I told him that I knew he didn’t mean to break it and that it was okay.
I managed to muster the strength to head to the grocery store to get a few urgent items we needed. While I was there, I saw a Facebook post by Lysa TerKeurst:
I got teary-eyed in the grocery store because it was just what I needed to hear.
It was a reminder that despite all my imperfections, God chose me to be my kids’ mom.
What an awesome privilege.